god's Teacup.

When I was six, I drew pictures with my own shit.

I'd put my finger up to my own asshole after using the toilet and smear it on the wall. Shitfaced smileys and stick figures 'till my parents got me consistently using wipes. Plenty years've passed since then, but I still create, now in ways that aren't also taboo for some reason.

"Like a bad roof lets in rain,
a bad mind is like a sewer.

Like a good roof keeps out rain,
a good mind is like a fortress.

Too bad people don't understand that God is god is
a little girl locked inside a closet."

- David Daniels

My name's Ena.

Something's fundamentally wrong with me and that's okay. I'm from five hotels, four invites, three nations, two slums, one tongue, and no real culture. I was born surrounded by knockoff brands popular with Romani grandmothers. I've gooned in a Swiss hotel. I live in an irrelevant vaguely rust-belt town in the northeast US. My dad's a language whose jokes always grow hollow. My mom's a leader who god told to follow. I often wear his old coat and her old sweater together and try not to think of them beating little lumps of flesh purple.

Something's wrong with whatever I think I need to say. I'm from the sigh of the times and the sacred mundane. I'm interested in everything in the way where it amounts to nothing. My ambitions inherently keep me from achieving them. I'm disillusioned with every movement under the sun, yet never lost my love of every random on the bus. I know better than anyone my generation will never change things even as our elders insist. I've gotten away with the internet my whole life, my fear of god was for nothing. I've hid inside all over the world. I'm like if Octavia Butler did nothing but scroll.

Something's wrong. I started college too early and myself too late. I was four, the first time I threatened to kill myself. I flip between extreme opposing emotions too much. I can't simply be without getting suicidal. I'm a transgender teenage girl trapped in the shadow of a fascist family, community, and country. I'm gonna make the Great American Game 'cause I'm an outsider in, not despite it. During last election cycle a forest roadside banner was by the gun club within walking distance from our house. It read "Trump 2024: The rules have changed." They're goddamn right they have.

Something's gonna give. i hope u find comfort in me.