(Shitpost, July 17, 2025) Steven Swigmann, CEO of Swig, swings his legs back and forth in his new-yet-musty Silicon Valley office, business as usual till he gets the message on LinkedIn: "Crumbl is officially coming for Swig."

The power shuts off, sirens blare, ex-Al-Qaeda members recruited by Crumbl rappel down the side of the building from helicopter ropes and smash through the office window. Every employee in the building is killed except for their newest hire, the spy who faked being a vibe coder in order to help orchestrate all this.

Swigmann is held hostage till the Crumbl CEO himself, Charles Crumb, strides into the office. He grabs Swigmann by his shirt collar and looks him dead in the eye. "Last week on Grindr, you messaged me 'hey babe, want a "Swig" of my cum?' (the ex-Al-Qaeda guys murmur amongst themselves) Then, you kept on doing that. You can't pressure me into accepting, you aren't Peter Thiel you piece of shit. Our net worths are identical down to the cent!"

Swigmann, trying not to look like he's into being grabbed and yelled at by other men, weakly mumbles something about how they both receive backing from Thiel, and how they'd really be in trouble if Crumbl actually killed Swig.

"No. Survival of the fittest. I deserve your money more than you." Crumb prepares to dramatically throw Swigmann to the ground, like from the last alpha chad TikTok comp he watched, and then order execution with Shakespearean eloquence. But then, the homoerotic nature of political conflict between men in positions of power overwhelms him, and he can't help but sneak in a little kiss for his bratty ex.

The ex-Al-Qaeda guys jump and start firing on everything.

Peter Thiel, watching the whole time through a hidden camera installed by the spy, finally cums.